I'm sure all five or six of my readers constantly wonder about the aspects of my life which revolve around expelling internal waste. Luckily for you, I've decided to break my silence.
Before we go any further, I'd like for you to imagine your own toilet for a moment. Perhaps it's sparkly clean; perhaps it's dinghy and dirty; perhaps it smells lemon-fresh; perhaps it smells a different sort of fresh.
Regardless of your crapper and its specifics, I am willing to stake my life on a single assumption: your toilet doesn't feature a bevy of soft-core pornography sculptures relaxing in a mock Japanese Hot-Spring.
Does it?
I thought not.
Behold all and tremble in erotic excitement at my sexy toilet, yet another reason to come visit me in Kobe:
A toilet so sexy, sometimes I flush it just for fun.
A closeup of my sexy quintet in varying states of nudity.
Click to enlarge! (If only they worked that way in real life...)
Just like real-life super-sexy women, they're made of shiny plastic.
Perhaps you're wondering what kind of kinky adults-only porno-emporium your intrepid weblogger had to brave in order to obtain five-inch plastic pieces of sex perfection. The answer: a regular, run-of-the-mill toy store (these were one aisle away from the Lego's) that was a floor below the menswear store where I recently got measured for a business suit. I was feeling slightly emasculated after allowing an effete Japanese fellow armed with metric measuring tape to advance to first base, and so, after exploring racks upon racks of gun-studded robot toys, my gaze drew me to the mysterious porno-sculpture section. A few strange looks from the cashier and a slow ride on the train home later, my toilet achieved a state of raw sex-appeal likely never before seen since our hirsute ancestors first installed an excrement drainage trench in their dank and pee-sodden cave.
Cool, huh? Feel free to share your own sexy toilet stories in the comment section. Until next time, I leave you with this video a powerfully sexy toilet that, almost unbelievably, fails to achieve half the raw sexiness of its primary user:
I'm not a big fan of children. I've never quite understood the appeal. Take, for example, very young children: when they're not bawling and screaming over the stupidest thing, they're drooling and peeing and pooping all over the place, a loathsome behavior compounded by the facts that they're utterly uninterested in cleaning up after themselves and barely bright enough to realize how disgusting they are. As they advance into prepubescence their intelligence awkwardly stumbles after, always tottering a few paces behind the threshold of tolerability.
As annoying as this is, it also represents the single enjoyable thing about young children: their gullibility. They so desperately want to be regarded as highly as an adult, they will say anything--no matter how retarded--as long as they think it will make their handlers happy. While it's always a hoot lying to children, their innate self-conscious stupidity has always distressed me for some reason. This has been a mystery to me until a recent epiphany: the stupidity that I see in children doesn't vanish in adults, but rather only becomes slightly more muted. Children remind me of what I dislike about humanity, and, as a human, I find this (and them) discouraging.
That said, it's parents that I find even more annoying than children. It's parents who fool themselves into thinking that they really do possess the godlike intellect their children naively assume. Thus, instead of perceiving their offspring as cruel mirrors which reflect the shortcomings of human genetic conditioning (as children should be seen), they see their little worshippers and assume the adulation is evidence of their own innate greatness.
Once a mother or father reaches this point, they become supremely annoying. Parents recognize their children are stupid and gullible, and they use this period in their kid's life to imprint their own worldview and ideology. Hearing children echo their weakminded drivel back to them gives them satisfaction not gleaned from conversing with fellow adults, who are more likely to scrutinize and criticize and arrogantly postulate their own perspective.
This brings me to two youtube clips, from both sides of the political/cultural spectrum, for your viewing disgust:
Ah, yes! Poor, idiotic, 9-year-old Rachel must be the apple of her moronic parents' eye! That she has so uncritically bought into her parents' mysticism is only proof of its validity! Never mind that her voodoo-esque blessing of a bowling ball results in a performace 200 points shy of bowling perfection, she mimics Mommy and Daddy's "wisdom", and that's all that matters. As for the uncomfortably awkward attemped conversion of the hot blonde: Why go to the trouble of proselytizing yourself when your kid can be brainwashed into doing it for you?
Oh, and don't quote me on this, but I think the church featured at the end of the clip is the same one formerly headed by the prominent pastor in Colorado Springs who got busted buying regular massages (plus happy endings and probably sodomy and felching too) from a male prostitute in Denver. I wouldn't mind hearing what Young Rachel thinks about the head of her flock "tossing another man's salad."
The girl in this video is hyped by her hippie folk-music handlers as "the Coolest 8 Year Old in the World." Of course, when one considers the frequent edits throughout the clip, it's easy to recognize that the supposedly precocious and shrewd girl is really just aping short lines and gestures from a coach, which is why the coach likely watches the clip and thinks of him/herself as "the coolest 36 year old mind-meddler in the world." Perhaps if the girl was a normal adult, instead of mindlessly parroting an equation as moronic as "KKK=Nazis=Republican Party", the coach would've received a rational response, such as "well, I don't care much for the Republicans, but comparing them to Nazis? Are you fucking retarded or do you not know anything about the second world war?"
The delicious irony is that one of the supposed messages in this diatribe is that children should be "treated like human beings." But the creation method behind this entire clip is predicated entirely on not treating the girl as a human being, but rather exploiting her enthusiastic emulatory zeal and oh-so-cute stage presence. That's not treating someone like a human being. That's treating them like a stage prop.
Anyway, the point here isn't that ultra-charismatic Christians and ultra-liberal hippie producers of musical excrement are horribly annoying parents. Just about all parents of young children that I've met are horribly annoying. Missionary-girl and Hippie-girl are only easy examples to illustrate my point. I could probably find more clips to show you what I'm talking about, but I need to go to bed now so I can get up early tomorrow and watch the Patiots-Colts game.
In the mean time, if you find a smug parent of a young child, you have my permission to punch him or her in the face and then spit on their child.
The next installment of begins '24' is tomorrow! The premier will be two back-to-back episodes, and then the next day FOX will show two more sequential episodes. That's like a four-hour orgy of violence! I'm so excited, I can't write long sentences full of smooth, flowing prose like I normally do. Instead, I'll post some random Jack Bauer facts I found off the internet and then finish off this post with a youtube video.
Jack Bauer Facts:
When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.
The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
After Season 6 of 24, the Chinese will be on the Endangered Species List.
Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television. (This is true.)
Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Jack Bauer sleeps with a gun under his pillow, but he can just as easily kill with the pillow.
Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner. He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic.
If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.
Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Most pilots need 5,000 feet of runway to land a plane. Jack Bauer needs 100 feet and a gun.
On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 136 people and saved the world 5 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?
Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes. (potential ESL techniques to be gleaned?)
Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."
Plenty to report on, but not right now. I'm busy avoiding doing all the work I planned on spending my entire Christmas Break doing (the break ends in less than 48 hours, coincidentally). But I know people check in, so I thought I'd post some links to articles on South Park. I realize that this show may not be your thing (and here, I'm addressing communist spies reading this page without my permission as well as those individuals who've only pretended to be my friend), but if you've some time and an interest in the show or libertarian philosophy, both links might intrigue you.
The first is entitled "The Invisible Gnomes and the Invisible Hand" by Paul Cantor. Since I'm recommending the article, and since my seal of approval carries with it much esteem, I need not mention that Cantor is some muckity-muck professor at some college somewhere, not just a jackass with a keyboard (like ... um ... me). The article itself is an interesting and in-depth look primarily at the episode in which Tweek's underpants are repeatedly stolen by gnomes as part of a greater capitalist scheme. Lotsa time and research went into the writing of this piece.
The second is an illuminative interview with Matt Stone and Trey Parker by Reason Magazine. Up for discussion is a statue of the Blessed Virgin shitting blood on the pope, Tom Cruise and Scientology, and why The Prophet cannot be depicted handing Peter Griffin a football. Interesting stuff in here about censoring South Park, downloading South Park, and how producers of both The Simpsons and King of the Hill deeply respect South Park for demolishing Family Guy.
And that's about it.
Stuff I'd Like to Write About, But Won't:
Denver Broncos' Sad End to 2006
How riding around in a bullet-proof humvee won't protect you from a spray of bullets, and why that's a total crock of shit
Errol Jones' Emerging Love Life (you read that correctly, and, no, it's got nothing to do with Star Trek and, Dear God, I hope I didn't jinx anything by mentioning it here...)
The embarassing and inexplicable erection I get from watching a low-budget video by a band of RATM-Pretenders called "Stuck Mojo". Did going to Bali turn me into a redneck bigot, or does this video suggest the beginning of an understandable and highly-needed cultural backlash against decades of namby-pamby multiculturalist indoctrination combined with a legitimate threat from extremists of a particular world religion?
Finally, please enjoy this CG posting from Stalhberg, an emerging master of the new medium. Let's just hope our guitar-playing philosopher friend has better luck than the mustachioed hot-tubber:
A toilet so sexy, sometimes I flush it just for fun.
A closeup of my sexy quintet in varying states of nudity.
Click to enlarge! (If only they worked that way in real life...)
Just like real-life super-sexy women, they're made of shiny plastic.
