Hey everybody! I'm gonna begin this post with some reader e-mail:
Alright Jon(notice serious tone), Ive been reading these blogs now for well, since the begining and I am yet to read about what we are all thinking about. What are the ladies like over there, has Jon been procreating? Come on Jon, give your loyal readers some hope that in your seclusion little Jon has not gone into hiding, or worse packed up his shit and took off. I know you Jon. I know how you work and I expect some results. Lets go buddy!
-- "Wondrin' 'Bout Your Wiener" in Fort Lee, New Jersey
Well, I thought about answering this myself, and then I figured
Hey! Why not let Little Jon field this question? So here's what I'll do: give my brain and fingertips a rest, and allow Little Jon free reign of the keyboard. It's gotta be in all caps because of Little Jon's inability to press the shift key at the same moment he hits other specific keys with any sort of precision. Also, should you ever find yourself visiting me in my apartment, you might want to think twice before using my keyboard.
Anyhoo, without further ado, let's give a big round of applause to Little Jon:
THANK YOU, THANK YOU! THANK YOU EVERYONE! THANK YOU JON, FOR LETTING ME TYPE FOR ONCE! AND THANK YOU 'WONDRIN' FOR THE GREAT QUESTION! AND THANK YOU READERS FOR MAKING
CREPUSCULAR RAY SUCH AN AUSPICIOUS AND INVITING VENUE! YOU'RE WONDERFUL AND I LOVE YOU ALL! I HOPE YOU'LL FIND YOUR TEMPORARY HOST ON THIS BLOG TO BE WARM AND CONVIVIAL FOR THE DURATION OF THIS POSTING.
NOW, IN RESPONSE TO THE INITIAL INQUIRY, PERHAPS I SHOULD BEGIN BY CITING ANECDOTALLY THE WEBSTER DEFINITION OF 'PROCREATE', A WORD WITH IDENTICAL MEANINGS REGARDLESS OF WHETHER IT IS BEING USED TRANSITIVELY OR INTRANSITIVELY: 'TO BEGET OR BRING FORTH OFFSPRING.'
THIS DEFINITION AUTOMATICALLY HEARKENS TO MEMORY THE IMAGE OF A YOUNG ERROL, WHO, WHILE IN HIS FRIEND JON BATES' TRUCK IN THE DAYS SHORTLY AFTER THE LATTER FELLOW INCAUTIOUSLY IMPREGNATED HIS GIRLFRIEND, ABSENTLY OPENED THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT ONLY TO WITNESS A VERITABLE TROVE OF TROJANS COME CASCADING OUT OF THE CAVITY. 'HOLY SHIT,' ERROL IS KNOWN TO HAVE REMARKED, 'A LOT OF FUCKING GOOD THESE DID YOU.'
THE REASON I DETAIL THIS RECOLLECTION IS BECAUSE, FOR ME, IT REPRESENTS 'PROCREATION' IN ITS VERY ESSENCE. THUS, IN ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION, NO. I HAVE NOT PROCREATED. IN FACT, SEEING AS HOW JON IS THE VERY EMBODIMENT OF LIFESTYLE PRUDENCE, I SUSPECT THAT IF HE WORRIED I POSED EVEN A SLIGHT RISK OF PROCREATION, HE WOULD, WITH SCISSORS AND A PACK OF ICE, PERFORM A SELF-VASECTOMY THE VERY NEXT WEEK HE HAD OFF WORK.
BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT I HAVE NOT ENJOYED THE TRANSITION TO THE KANSAI REGION OF JAPAN. THIS COUNTRY IS A HETEROSEXUAL MALE'S PARADISE, A LAND WHERE THE
WINTER FASHION REVOLVES AROUND A SHOCKINGLY-SHORT MINISKIRT, WITH THIGH-HIGH STOCKINGS AND KNEE-HIGH LEATHER BOOTS WORN PRIMARILY TO PROVIDE A MEASURE OF WARMTH, BUT ALSO TO CATCH THE ATTENTION OF LOWER EXTREMETIES SUCH AS I.
IN TERMS OF TEMPERAMENT, JAPANESE WOMEN SEEM FAR MORE UNASSERTIVE AND OPEN-MINDED THAN THEIR AMERICAN COUNTERPARTS. FURTHERMORE, A COLLECTIVE CURIOSITY OF AND PREFERENCE FOR FOREIGN MEN IS COMMONPLACE, PRESENTING OPTIONS THAT, FOR SOME, MIGHT BE UNAVAILABLE BACK HOME. INDEED, FOR MANY MALE FOREIGNORS IN JAPAN, THE WEEKEND IS LITTLE MORE THAN FORTY-EIGHT HOURS OF NON-STOP SKIRT-CHASING, BED-HOPPING SCHENANIGANS. UNFORTUNATELY FOR ME, JON FEELS THAT THE EASY CHASE RARELY NETS PREY STRONG IN QUALITIES SUCH AS FIDELITY AND CONSISTENCY. THUS, WHEN I SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY, I'M LIKELY STARING AT ONE OF JAPAN'S HIGH-TECH URINALS.
JON'S WORKPLACE IS SOMETHING OF A PARADISE OF FRUSTRATION. HE IS A HUNGRY GARDENER IN A GORGEOUS, SUN-DAPPLED ORCHARD OF FORBIDDEN FRUIT. WHEN I RANDOMLY TAKE NOTICE OF A STUDENT, THE MANTRA ECHOING DOWN FROM THE HEAD IS
HEY! YOU BE GOOD! SHE IS LIKE A LITTLE SISTER ... LIKE A LITTLE SISTER ... LIKE A LITTLE SISTER. AND ON AND ON UNTIL I CAN ENVISION THE STUDENT STUPIDLY SITTING IN A HIGH CHAIR WITH STRAINED CARROTS SPLATTERED OVER A BIB AND SMEARED ACROSS HER INFANTILE FACE.
THE TREMENDOUS AFFECTIONATE EFFORTS EXTENDED BY SOME STUDENTS PRESENT A MILD STIMULI, BUT EVEN I CAN CLEARLY DISCERN THAT THE OVERTURES' AIM IS TOWARD THE HEART, A LATITUDE FAR NORTH OF MY SWELTERING HOME BELOW THE EQUATOR, AND THUS, LIKE THE GOODNATURED PENIS I AM, I USUALLY REMAIN UNAROUSED. BUT OCCASIONALLY THERE ARE TIMES WHEN CERTAIN STUDENTS, DRESSED AND POSTURED IN CERTAIN WAYS, ARE LOOKING AT JON'S EYES, AND SPEAKING TO HIS EARS, YET ARE UNMISTAKABLY ADDRESSING YOURS TRULY. IT IS AT THESE TIMES I THUNDER BACK AT THE HEAD:
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF LITTLE SISTER IS THIS?IN CONCLUSION, I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT NOT ALL JAPANESE WOMEN ARE UNASSERTIVE, EASY, OVERSEXED, SEDUCTIVE OR EVEN OVERLY-AFFECTIONATE. NEITHER, OF COURSE, ARE ALL JAPANESE WOMEN INTENSELY INTERESTED IN FOREIGN MEN. FURTHERMORE, JON COULD SPEND DAYS WALKING THE CROWDED STREETS AND TERMINALS OF JAPAN, AND EACH DAY HIS GAZE WILL INSTANTLY LOCK ON THE NEAREST EXPANSE OF EXPOSED FLESH, PASSING OVER DOZENS OF REMARKABLY BEAUTIFUL AND INTRIGUING WOMEN WHO DRESS MODESTLY AND FEEL THEIR BEST PERSONALITY ATTRIBUTES DON'T REQUIRE STILLETO HEELS TO SHOWCASE. IT'S THE RANDOM, SURPRISING DISCOVERY OF WOMEN SUCH AS THESE THAT ARE THE TRULY INSPIRING OCCASIONS.
ULTIMATELY, WOMEN HERE, LIKE WOMEN EVERYWHERE, MAKE EACH DAY WONDERFUL AND INTERESTING, EVEN FOR A DICK LIKE ME.
His jersey number is one shy of the legend's, but, with regard to pure photographic appearance, he emulates John Elway's blankly regal "brain-dead hick" aspect. 
Does anyone else have goosebumps?
