The post in which I detail getting a haircut followed by predictions of football game outcomes.

So I got a haircut. Actually, and stop me if you've heard this one before, but I got many of them cut! Many of my hairs cut, you see. Get it? The word haircut, if each of its root words is given limited and literal interpretation, might suggest that only a single follicle was sheared. But in reality, many of my follicles were sheared. Therein, my friends, lies the humorous underpinning of this timeless grade school quip.

And that, you see, is why I maintain this site! To enlighten. To illuminate. To pierce through grey clouds of confusion--crepuscular ray-like--and help you, my readers, arrive at a point where you can consider yourselves to exist in a state of general understanding about some stuff.

Anyhoo, I went to the barbershop between the bakery and the post office on the way to the train station nearest my apartment. Inside, I was nervously greeted by a kindly old Japanese codger. He was much relieved when I presented him with the following note, explaining what I wanted my head to look like:

If possible, print out this picture and send it to me. That way I'll have the original instructions, the photographed instructions, AND a printout of the photographed instructions. I consider myself a collector and someday contributor to Ryan Bossow's oft-ballyhoed "JW Memorabilia Restaurant."

I'm not sure how good my instructions were, but the barber consulted the sheet numerous times while cutting my hair. 20 minutes and 3,000 yen later, here's the outcome:

This is me trying to smile. The facial muscles required to do so have atrophied in the past couple months, and as a result, when I'm happy I now look constipated. God, it's been a hell of a summer.

Anyway, I think it's a good hairscut.

Now, for the true reason why you were checking: NFL Week 4 Predictions. Of course the big story of week 3 around the league was how Crepuscular Ray managed a pedestrian 7-7 prognostication effort. The average showing was bolstered, to some extent, by my analysis of Plummer and prediction that he would have a solid game on the basis that no one was expecting it. Sure enough: 256 yards, no int's, two TDs. Not too shabby. Let's hope that, since the Broncos have a bye week, most of my prognostication juices are effectively spent on the other 31 teams.

Still, even after an average week, I'm 30-16 on the season, tying me with ESPN's Hoge and Schlereth (hey, I like Schlereth!). I'm still way better than anyone at CBS or NBC. The best group of experts seems to be those mostly no-namers at Yahoo!Sports. Of their four-piece panel, three have picking records slightly superior to mine: Cris Carter, Charles Robinson, and Jason Cole.

But I'm hoping to turn things around this week. Here we go:

• Colts over Jets
• Panthers over Saints (although I think the Saints would win each week if they kept U2 on as an opening good luck charm)
• Chargers over Ravens (this was a tough pick...)
• Dolphins over Texans (Texans will do for Culpepper this week what they did for Brunell last week--make him not look washed up for 3 hours)
• Falcons over Cardinals
• Vikings over Bills
• Suicidal Cowboys over Rookie Titans
• Chiefs over 49ers
• Rams over Lions
• Jags over Redskins
• Browns over Raiders
• Bengals over Patriots
• Bears over Seahawks (I'm still thinking the Bears have a long win-streak ahead)
• Eagles over Packers
  

As for Bronco-related babble during this bye week, did anyone else get deja vu watching a big #84 streak downfield and wrestle passes away for dramatic touchdowns? Or how about a speedy-yet-caucasian #87 make solid catches in heavy traffic? I suppose if the Broncos don't retire those numbers, the next best thing would be to have their current bearers bring them honor. I am pleased.

***

Racist Survivor Update!

Racist Survivor is no longer racist! In an infuriating move, producers have merged race-tribes! Now we'll never know who was the superior race! Next thing you know, they'll be allowin' black-on-white weddings and such! Clearly this tacit advertisement for a future of mud-colored children has been brought to you by the Zionist Occupation Government!

In all seriousness, I'm going to stop watching Survivor this season (the rest will be the same as it always is). Hopefully next season, they can find a way to exploit global religious strife or America's divided and incendiary political climate. Right now, though, in the wake of the race-merger, I'm feeling like I was teased and tempted into thinking there would be a mini-race war on reality TV, and now I'm feeling gyped. I guess the closest we'll ever come to that was the Jerry Springer "Christmas with the Klan" episode. Thanks for the big letdown, CBS!

Jerks.

Oh, speaking of being a jerk, here's another spooky picture for Zach to wet his bed with (assuming my haircut picture didn't do the trick):