There's some people I want kicked in the balls. Now go!

Thank you for visiting, and welcome to a very special Crepuscular Ray posting. Today, I'll be going over a list of people who I would like to see experience a special sort of pain, the kind of pain which is simultaneously piercing and numbing, a pain which causes the inflicted to double over and often slightly cross their eyes.

I realize a post like this might be interpreted by some as slightly threatening and hateful, so let me make myself clear at the outset and resolve any misconceptions: I truly hate these people, and I am officially threatening them with bodily harm of the most comedic kind.

That said, I realize that I will likely never encounter any of these people (except the Western Europeans), so I am officially requesting my friends and loved ones to carry on my wishes if the opportunity presents itself. This will forever be known as the Crepuscular Ray Fatwa:

Followers: should you lay eyes upon any of the following personages outside of television or film, you are henceforth charged to cease all activities, disregard your own safety and legal well being, sprint to the target, and, with a maximum of force and minimum of mercy, drive your foot into his balls. Repeatedly, if possible. Should the target bear female anatomy, you are to deliver what my semi-retarded ex-roommate Travis termed a "cunt-punt."

Do this in remembrance of me.

Successful followers will earn a place in the Crepuscular Ray Hall of Fame and bounties of varying degrees.

First Up:

The somewhat effeminate O'Donnell closely approximating what he'd look like if someone kicked him in the balls.

So captured al-Qaeda Uber-Goon Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (KSM) admits to having planned and financed the 9/11 atrocities as well as playing a role in a slew of other terror acts, both carried out and in the planning stage. He's in US custody, soon to face a military trial and the same fate that Hermann Goring and assorted other Nazi nuts faced in the previous century following the Nuremberg Trials. Fantastic news, right?

Not according to Rosie O'Donnell, who refuses to believe that KSM bears a shred of responsibility for 9/11 or any of the other 26 plots he claims to have been a part of. And when waifish ex-survivor bimbo-cohost Elisabeth Hasselbeck called the terrorist a terrorist, Rosie got upset because "calling him a terrorist robs him of all of his humanity."

The person O'Donnell so passionately defends is quoted as saying in his confession, "I decapitated with my blessed right hand the head of the American Jew Daniel Pearl in the city of Karachi, Pakistan. For those who would like to confirm, there are pictures of me on the Internet holding his head." Perhaps O'Donnell thought this was a simply a quote from Borat and stifled laughter at the quaint and silly anti-semitism. Or perhaps O'Donnell was swooning in admiration at the rest of KSM's confession, in which he claims al-Qaeda's global terror campaign is fully justified due to years of misguided U.S. foreign policy--a line of argument which precisely mirrors the retarded babble that flows forth daily from extreme-leftist bloggers, academics, and politicians.

Regardless, KSM deserves the firing squad (which he'll likely get after a thorough military tribunal and months of liberal wailing). And Rosie O'Donnell deserves some massive testicle trauma, which he likely won't get unless one of my disciples helps me out. In addition to my undying admiration, a place in the Crepuscular Ray Hall of Fame, and a debt of gratitude from planet Earth, I'll offer a bounty of 1,000 Japanese yen to anyone who kicks Rosie O'Donnell in the balls.

Number Two:

Cute! Too bad she's, like, totally stupid!

Anya Kamenetz is a young rising star in the world of mindless liberal polemics. She's written successfully on financial crises that face college students and graduates, and I got no problem with that. She has also written about war protesters, the majority of whom are not (to her) brain-dead hippy wannabe's who've smoked themselves retarded and feel that artsy protest tactics and thoughtless recitation of stale bumper-sticker slogans are more persuasive than original logic and rhetoric, but rather "practical, committed guardians of the future." Of course, she's young, and since she's hot we can hope she might yet emerge from her morony. But we should enjoy her today as she currently provides an endless supply of easily mockable material and Crepuscular Ray fatwa fodder.

Take, for example, her recent blog posting on the far left laugh track Huffington Post. The entry, Our First Muslim President, on Democrat presidential contender Barack Obama, is a prime example. I'll print it here in its entirety, interspersed with my reactions:

Kamenetz: Is there anyone else who thinks it's awesome that Obama grew up Muslim?

Me: Like, totally! It's awesome that he once was Muslim, and now is, like, soooo not! I mean, who better to fight Islamic Fascists than someone who once suffered under their boot!

Kemenetz: The LA Times has the utterly charming story of his early childhood in Indonesia today--playing in the muddy streets, raising pet crocodiles, and attending mosque on Fridays.

Me: Muddy streets and pet crocodiles! That's soooo utterly charming! Like, wow!

Kemenetz: America, the world's most multicultural society, is currently in a no-win standoff with Islamic civilization.

Me: "No-Win"? LOL! Like, that's only because gutless and blind extreme leftists have yet to be convinced that if the militant wing of Islamic civilization achieves its stated goal of a global caliphate under sharia law, it'll be the end of women's rights, freedom of religion, and freedom for gay people to like ... breathe and stuff! A few more 9/11s and it'll, like, totally go from "no-win" to "must-win!" For sure! [giggles!]

Kemenetz: Who better to reengage with the so-called "Arab street" than President Barack Hussein Obama? How great an effect would it have on the Islamic world to have the most powerful man in the world saying, "I was taught the wisdom of the Koran, and I believe in the Constitution too" ?

Me: Like, I am so with you on this!! Since standard Muslim theology as well as sharia law equates conversion from Islam to another religion to be akin to treason and thus punishable by death, an Islamic apostate as U.S. President would likely further inflame the Arab street! Totally wicked!

Kamenetz: And not only that, he actually lived in a developing country! He went to school with 'middle-class' kids who had no shoes! Talk about an invaluable perspective for the leader of the free world.

Me: For sure [giggle!]! Why even bother debating?!?! Let's just choose presidents based on where they've lived. You're, like, soooo totally deep, Anya!

Kemenetz: This one story made me more excited about Candidate Obama than anything that came before it. Some people say he's not "black enough"? Whatever. He should be playing up his cultural uniqueness for all it's worth. Don't be afraid of the M-word.

Me: Yeah! Like, you said: totally whatever! Ummm ... what's the M-word? Muslim? Mulatto? Miscegenation? Mindless? Moronic?

Actually, I don't really mind Barack Obama. Like most candidates in both parties, he's making an ass out of himself pandering and double-speaking on a daily basis, and I find that quite entertaining. And so is Kamenetz' blog. But she still deserves a kick in the groin for adopting points-of-view as vacuous as her writing style. Should you deliver the winning kick, all previously mentioned prizes are yours.

San-Ban!

Behold: The Great Goracle, Environmental Televangelist! (Do as he says, not as he does...)

If you want to conform to hip political discourse in the Western world, you need to find some over-the-top way to exaggerate the evils of President Bush. Show the world you've sacrificed any semblance of rationality and nuance, and behave as if GWB & Cheney are Satan-spawned monsters who dine on newborn children and destroy rainbows and butterflies with magical rays of pure hatred. Give Bush no credit for anything his administration does right, and attribute to him ultimate blame for any horrible thing that happens in the world.

Concurrent with this mindset comes the demand that you view Bush's vanquished foes as tragic heroes--brave warriors undone by the sorceries of Bush's dark Merlin (Rove) and a misled American public too stupid to understand true greatness.

As for me, I'm delighted that neither Gore nor Kerry became President. Kerry was a pampered and unlikable lightweight incapable of articulating a coherent strategy on the Iraq war. A couple years after losing the election, Kerry effectively flushed his future down the crapper by making an unfunny joke about American soldiers winding up in Iraq because they're theoretically uneducated nitwits. The remarks were clearly made in a speech, but, according to Kerry, the conservative side of the blogosphere's exposure of the comments were tantamount to another right-wing dirty trick, and instead of behaving with contrition and remorse, Kerry reacted like a weak and whiny bitch. So long to that loser.

Gore's a different story: he has yet to humiliate himself in such a fashion that all but the dopiest of leftists will cease to cling to him. Not that he doesn't try. Since his 2000 defeat, he's taken turns at teaching journalism, preaching about the evils of Bush and war, and has finally resettled on that old Democrat mainstay, the environment. We all know about his documentary, and, although I haven't seen it, I understand that many timorous viewers were later unable to turn off the light ... and then they realized that they were wasting electricity and now are no longer able to turn the light back on.

Personally, I'm not sure what to think of Global Warming. I realize that the majority of "the scientific community" is convinced that Planet Earth is disastrously heating up and it's humankind's fault, but I also understand that the global community of climatologists--those scientists who would know best--remain sharply divided as to whether the warming of Earth is caused by human-created CO2 emissions or is instead part of a natural cycle. In cases such as this and abortion, I tend to believe that humanity should err on the side of caution. Since no one knows for certain, but so many suspect, it would make sense to behave as if Global Warming were in fact every bit as dangerous as it's hyped. So I guess that makes me a tree-hugging granola who, in principle, agrees with the all-knowing, all-seeing Goracle on the matter of Global Warming.

That said, when Al Gore constantly flies around the world in his personal jet (which burns far more fuel and emits much more CO2 than a simple SUV) and slanders disagreeable PhD-bearing climatologists--scientists far better educated on the topic than he is--as "deniers" (as if Al Gore's hypothetical holocaust were somehow remotely as real as one which actually did happen) I start to dream about brutally kicking that fucking retard in his shriveled balls.

And then reports surface that Al Gore uses nearly twice as much electricity in his massive mansion in one month than the average American family uses in an entire year, and it's all I can do not to start lacing up my steel-toed workboots and booking a flight to Memphis. To be fair, this report was issued by a right-wing think tank with a political axe to grind, but Gore's laughably weak refutation of the accusation has all-but-convinced me that it's completely legit.

Considering hypocrisy of this magnitude, it's difficult not to come to the conclusion that Gore is the environmental movement's equivalent of a Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Bakker, or Ted Haggard. The main difference here is that the religious right, which is constantly maligned as being backward and hypocritical (hell, I insinuate as much from time to time) were quick to publicly repudiate and ostracize Swaggart, Bakker, and Haggard. No such repudiation will ever come from die-hard environmentalists or other leftists, who appear (a) tragically bankrupt of integrity, or (b) witless thralls completely lacking in the ability to think critically about their heroes.

So kick this slimy ecovangelist in the balls, minions! May your foot fly straight and swift! The left will hate you for it, but you're really doing them a favor.

And finally ...

Western Europe: That's a lot of balls to kick ... might want to pack a few extra pairs of shoes.

I think it's important that Americans stop apologizing to Western Europeans, and instead start kicking them in the balls. Here's why:

Every time I meet a Western European here in Japan, their standard position is that I, as an American, somehow owe them an apology. I've met Spanish, Swedish, English, Irish, Dutch, German, French, and Italian people over here. Without exception, each affects the "you farted" facial expression or makes some snide comment when I tell them I'm from the United States. For some reason I have yet to figure out, the traveling lifestyle tends to draw liberals more than conservatives, and, as a result, the source of their prejudice is largely political in nature: They don't like Bush, they don't like the war, and they don't like me because it's all my fault.

To their shame and discredit, most liberal Americans make a big show of immediately dropping to their knees and apologizing to their Western European betters on behalf of the entire United States for the nefarious actions of the democratically elected president. I know they do this because I've seen them do this on numerous occasions. Debased Americans are then accepted by the Western European as an honorary enlightened person with a mere nationality handicap.

Not me, though. The more antagonistic a Western European becomes, the more "American" I talk. I inflate the number of guns I (don't really) own, the size of the SUV I (don't really) drive, the number of relatives I (don't really) have serving in the armed forces, and the degree to which I support the President. Few things please me more than disappointing someone waiting for an apology I don't owe.

Kobe and Osaka have a fairly diverse international community (for Japan, anyway), and should I ever meet an Iraqi who tells me that, due to a guidance system malfunction, a cruise missile destroyed his house and family, I'd be quick to apologize and do anything I could to help. Even if his situation weren't as dire as that, I'd still be sensitive to tragedies and inconveniences caused to him by the war my country conducts against elements of his.

While exploring this region of Japan, I've met many Africans, South Americans, and (not surprisingly) lots of Asians from both Central and Eastern countries. I've also met a fair number of Eastern Europeans, including a Serb who engaged me in a long and lively conversation on video games. I've even briefly met an Iraqi here once (said he's lived here with his family for 15 years), and I've met plenty of other Arabs and Persians. Guess what: none of them have ever acted as if I owe them an apology.

Just the Western Europeans.

The irony is that, among all the world, Western Europeans are least deserving of an apology from the United States or from any random American they might encounter. Think about it: what have we ever done to Western Europe that merits their spite? If you wanted to showcase the noblest and most selfless achievements of the United States in our history, Western Europe would arguably be the first place you'd mention.

But now they've designated themselves apology receptacles on behalf of an aggrieved world. I say instead of apologizing, we kick them in the balls.

At least then we might have a reason to apologize.


Hope you like the new page design!