SACRILEGE! (and on this very page, no less!)

I hate to end a 12-year-old friendship, but certain things cannot be tolerated. Such as releasing an ungrateful stream of piss on Saint Shanny.

Readers, trust me when I say that I was really looking forward to a time when my internet would be fixed enough to compose a thoughtful posting on how I've rediscovered my old fierce high school form, the nasty little kid who thought "rabid psychosis" was a character trait worth aspiring to. I've been waiting daily for my internet company to ratchet up my intermittent connection so blogging wouldn't be frought with risk of random post deletion. I thought I could wait it out, but then, out of sheer curiousity at work, I checked my page only to discover two steaming nuggets in the comment box.

Anyway, I'll respond line by line to the first posting, left by a certain Ryan Bossow who shall remain nameless:

Damn nice freakin debut cutler... way to be!!!

First, yes, I get your sarcasm and grant you this: Jay Cutler on his first day did not look like Peyton Manning during the best game of his career. He also didn't turn eliminate global poverty, cure AIDS, or convert Osama bin Laden to coolness through the power of rock. (Of course, why would he need to do those things when Bono's already got most of that stuff pretty much wrapped up?) So, because his debut didn't inspire any embarassing boners, then ... what? ... he sucks? ... we're supposed to be stunned? Angry?

Cutler's debut numbers: 10 of 21, 143 yards, 2 TDs, and 2 INTs. His second game's numbers: 17 of 30, 188 yards, 2 TDS, and 0 INTs. I'll be charitable here and ignore the fact that, unlike his predecessor, Cutler has thrown twice as many TDs as INTs--let's just leave those out of the picture. His completion percentage is about 53% and he averages about 166 yards a game.

Anemic? Yes.

Inspiring? Not really.

Remind you of another anemic and uninspiring quarterback? Well, shucks, now that you mention it, those numbers sound like typical Jake Plummer performances in 2006. My point is not that I'm ecstatic with Cutler thus far--my point is that, if your head weren't so far up your ass you'd notice that it's taken Cutler approximately two games to reach the same performance plateau it's taken Plummer 10 years to reach.

Here's an idea mikey, let plummer play out the year and see if you can get anything for him in to off season, rather than just cutting him, or letting him ride the pine.

Here's an even better idea, "Ryaney": realize that, with no running game, the Broncos will win zero playoff games (and certainly not a Super Bowl) without a semi-decent quarterback. Agreed: Plummer wasn't getting A+ help from his O-line, receivers, or backs, but the better QBs in the league can always elevate the weenies that surround him.

Ask yourself what's more important:

1) allowing Plummer six more games in which to suck, hoping it might somehow increase his value.

2) giving valuable regular-season experience to a quarterback many feel was the best picked in the draft because you realize the season is spiraling anyway.

And make no mistake, the awesome defense that helped us get us the record we began with got so tired and banged up, there was no way it would carry us through the playoffs. The 2006 Broncos were tanking and in desperate need of a miraculous offensive spark. Just because Cutler wasn't that miraculous spark doesn't mean he was a dumb choice, or that Shanny was stupid to try.

I hate to say it fellow bronco fans, but my grip on the mike shannahan bandwagon is starting to slip.

Then let go, turncoat! Go on--leave you ungrateful wretch! Seek solace suckling at the puckered teat of Wade Phillips or Dan Reeves. I hear they like it if you bite a little. But leave behind any fond memories of 97 & 98 because there's no fucking way either of those Super Bowls would've happened without the innovative Shanahan Regime, which was sent by the football gods to govern mankind.

And if you think I'm living in the past, examine this season. Remember how I said the defense "helped" us get to a great start? The other main factor was Shanahan's kindergarten gameplans, sadly neutered by design due to Plummer's inability to play big and bold without turning it over 20 times a game. When you actually have to gameplan in order to minimize the role of your quarterback, you know it's long passed time to make a switch.

Finally Ryan, before I formally end our storied friendship, I'll tell you what: I understand you've moved to Florida recently, and it's possible you've yet to unpack your brains, balls, and loyalty. Maybe they got lost on the moving truck. Perhaps they were stolen. Either way, they're gone, and, because you recommended Supernatural which is a pretty good show, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that the tragic loss of your manhood wasn't your fault. If you truly wish to preserve the friendship, you must travel to faraway Japan. Once here, I will remove a glove, and then you must kiss the red signet ring on my hideously gnarled, blistered, and leprous hand (ala my favorite part in Kingdom of Heaven). Do that, endure a few vicious swats from my royal riding crop, and everything's back to normal. We'll get some KFC or yakitori or shabu-shabu or something.

Otherwise ...

IT'S OVER!

Now, on to Zach Thaxton, the other anonymous comment-box-stinker-upper. Zach's crime wasn't brazen sedition (although he did say Shanny's starting to "slip ... ever so slightly") but his efforts to be diplomatic led him to say some startlingly nonsensical and repugnant things. In the often-repulsive annals of historical revisionism, you hear vile, despicable lies like "Bush and his oil cronies were behind 9/11" or "the holocaust didn't kill that many Jews" and, possibly the most offensive, "Ol' bowlegs was downright dumb in about 40% of his games."

Now I get to be Jerry Seinfeld to Zach's Michael Richards:

I've known Zach for many years, and, frankly, this is so out of character for him I had a hard time believing that he'd written it. Me? Of course I'm disappointed in him. I'm saddened. I truly am. But more than that, I understand that these remarks were borne of extreme frustration and thoughtlessness.

The remarks aren't representative of the Zach I know--the Zach I know keeps a statue of John Elway in his condom box. The Zach I know has two John Elway jerseys, one he wears for home games, and one for away games. The Zach I know doesn't hate black people--he works with them, eats with them, loves them--hell, he's probably even made love to a few of them.

Please forgive his remarks. I'm sure that by "Ol' bowlegs", he was referring to another pidgeon-toed quarterback. If not, then while writing that Elway was "downright dumb", perhaps he made a typo and intended to write that Elway was "downright misunderstood in about 40% if his games." That would've made more sense and been more reflective of Zach's ordinarily thoughtful and non-hateful intellect.

It has been said that if an infinite number of monkeys were given an infinite number of typewriters and an infinite amount of time, they would eventually produce the collective works of Shakespeare. Suffice to say, Zach's comment was a four-monkey, seven minute job.



OKey dokey. I'm gonna go to bed now.