Friday, November 24, 2006

Offline ... again.


All:

I have no internet at home. Again. This time it's my fault. Sorta. My internet provider changed its name and started sending me bills with different labeling, which I automatically threw away thinking they were junk mail. Then one week my internet decreased in speed with each passing day until, five days later, it stopped entirely. So now I'm offline, again, but it's not so annoying this time as I have much paper-grading to do and I think I was watching too much TV anyway. But I'll pay my bill tomorrow, and should be surfing around soon after that. For now though, this post will be short. Just 10 or 11 paragraphs.

Thanksgiving was only a fraction as hellish as it normally is. Here in Japan, American Thanksgiving Day coincided with Japanese Labor Day (this coincidence doesn't always occur, I gather), so I didn't have to work. For the feast, I ate a superb avocado+bacon cheeseburger, which was much preferable to turkey, an inferior fowl when compared with the noble chicken.

A lot of Japanese people call their Labor Day "Thanksgiving", only they give their thanks to laborers who work hard to bring them the first-world lifestyle Japan's consumer culture has grown accustomed to. Call me a commie, but I like directing my thankfulness this direction far better than directing it toward an abstract concept of 'family', which doesn't apply to me very well.

I asked a student what the Japanese name for the holiday was, and, after thinking for about five or six seconds told me, "I don't remember."

AH, JAPAN! So many holidays, one can't even remember all their names!

Anyway, I must skedaddle. In my next post, I will write about how I'm rediscovering my inner-asshole. And no, this will have nothing to do with my colon or anal beads.


His jersey number is one shy of the legend's, but, with regard to pure photographic appearance, he emulates John Elway's blankly regal "brain-dead hick" aspect.

Here ... see what I mean?

Does anyone else have goosebumps?

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

More Computer Graphics ... Video this time.

Just a well-made but silly toon? Or a brilliant and moving depiction of the price of dreams and the tragic lengths some are willing to go? I can't decide, but, as art, it's pure beauty.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

A few words from "Little" Jon.

Hey everybody! I'm gonna begin this post with some reader e-mail:

Alright Jon(notice serious tone), Ive been reading these blogs now for well, since the begining and I am yet to read about what we are all thinking about. What are the ladies like over there, has Jon been procreating? Come on Jon, give your loyal readers some hope that in your seclusion little Jon has not gone into hiding, or worse packed up his shit and took off. I know you Jon. I know how you work and I expect some results. Lets go buddy!

-- "Wondrin' 'Bout Your Wiener" in Fort Lee, New Jersey

Well, I thought about answering this myself, and then I figured Hey! Why not let Little Jon field this question? So here's what I'll do: give my brain and fingertips a rest, and allow Little Jon free reign of the keyboard. It's gotta be in all caps because of Little Jon's inability to press the shift key at the same moment he hits other specific keys with any sort of precision. Also, should you ever find yourself visiting me in my apartment, you might want to think twice before using my keyboard.

Anyhoo, without further ado, let's give a big round of applause to Little Jon:

THANK YOU, THANK YOU! THANK YOU EVERYONE! THANK YOU JON, FOR LETTING ME TYPE FOR ONCE! AND THANK YOU 'WONDRIN' FOR THE GREAT QUESTION! AND THANK YOU READERS FOR MAKING CREPUSCULAR RAY SUCH AN AUSPICIOUS AND INVITING VENUE! YOU'RE WONDERFUL AND I LOVE YOU ALL! I HOPE YOU'LL FIND YOUR TEMPORARY HOST ON THIS BLOG TO BE WARM AND CONVIVIAL FOR THE DURATION OF THIS POSTING.

NOW, IN RESPONSE TO THE INITIAL INQUIRY, PERHAPS I SHOULD BEGIN BY CITING ANECDOTALLY THE WEBSTER DEFINITION OF 'PROCREATE', A WORD WITH IDENTICAL MEANINGS REGARDLESS OF WHETHER IT IS BEING USED TRANSITIVELY OR INTRANSITIVELY: 'TO BEGET OR BRING FORTH OFFSPRING.'

THIS DEFINITION AUTOMATICALLY HEARKENS TO MEMORY THE IMAGE OF A YOUNG ERROL, WHO, WHILE IN HIS FRIEND JON BATES' TRUCK IN THE DAYS SHORTLY AFTER THE LATTER FELLOW INCAUTIOUSLY IMPREGNATED HIS GIRLFRIEND, ABSENTLY OPENED THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT ONLY TO WITNESS A VERITABLE TROVE OF TROJANS COME CASCADING OUT OF THE CAVITY. 'HOLY SHIT,' ERROL IS KNOWN TO HAVE REMARKED, 'A LOT OF FUCKING GOOD THESE DID YOU.'

THE REASON I DETAIL THIS RECOLLECTION IS BECAUSE, FOR ME, IT REPRESENTS 'PROCREATION' IN ITS VERY ESSENCE. THUS, IN ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION, NO. I HAVE NOT PROCREATED. IN FACT, SEEING AS HOW JON IS THE VERY EMBODIMENT OF LIFESTYLE PRUDENCE, I SUSPECT THAT IF HE WORRIED I POSED EVEN A SLIGHT RISK OF PROCREATION, HE WOULD, WITH SCISSORS AND A PACK OF ICE, PERFORM A SELF-VASECTOMY THE VERY NEXT WEEK HE HAD OFF WORK.

BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT I HAVE NOT ENJOYED THE TRANSITION TO THE KANSAI REGION OF JAPAN. THIS COUNTRY IS A HETEROSEXUAL MALE'S PARADISE, A LAND WHERE THE WINTER FASHION REVOLVES AROUND A SHOCKINGLY-SHORT MINISKIRT, WITH THIGH-HIGH STOCKINGS AND KNEE-HIGH LEATHER BOOTS WORN PRIMARILY TO PROVIDE A MEASURE OF WARMTH, BUT ALSO TO CATCH THE ATTENTION OF LOWER EXTREMETIES SUCH AS I.

IN TERMS OF TEMPERAMENT, JAPANESE WOMEN SEEM FAR MORE UNASSERTIVE AND OPEN-MINDED THAN THEIR AMERICAN COUNTERPARTS. FURTHERMORE, A COLLECTIVE CURIOSITY OF AND PREFERENCE FOR FOREIGN MEN IS COMMONPLACE, PRESENTING OPTIONS THAT, FOR SOME, MIGHT BE UNAVAILABLE BACK HOME. INDEED, FOR MANY MALE FOREIGNORS IN JAPAN, THE WEEKEND IS LITTLE MORE THAN FORTY-EIGHT HOURS OF NON-STOP SKIRT-CHASING, BED-HOPPING SCHENANIGANS. UNFORTUNATELY FOR ME, JON FEELS THAT THE EASY CHASE RARELY NETS PREY STRONG IN QUALITIES SUCH AS FIDELITY AND CONSISTENCY. THUS, WHEN I SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY, I'M LIKELY STARING AT ONE OF JAPAN'S HIGH-TECH URINALS.

JON'S WORKPLACE IS SOMETHING OF A PARADISE OF FRUSTRATION. HE IS A HUNGRY GARDENER IN A GORGEOUS, SUN-DAPPLED ORCHARD OF FORBIDDEN FRUIT. WHEN I RANDOMLY TAKE NOTICE OF A STUDENT, THE MANTRA ECHOING DOWN FROM THE HEAD IS HEY! YOU BE GOOD! SHE IS LIKE A LITTLE SISTER ... LIKE A LITTLE SISTER ... LIKE A LITTLE SISTER. AND ON AND ON UNTIL I CAN ENVISION THE STUDENT STUPIDLY SITTING IN A HIGH CHAIR WITH STRAINED CARROTS SPLATTERED OVER A BIB AND SMEARED ACROSS HER INFANTILE FACE.

THE TREMENDOUS AFFECTIONATE EFFORTS EXTENDED BY SOME STUDENTS PRESENT A MILD STIMULI, BUT EVEN I CAN CLEARLY DISCERN THAT THE OVERTURES' AIM IS TOWARD THE HEART, A LATITUDE FAR NORTH OF MY SWELTERING HOME BELOW THE EQUATOR, AND THUS, LIKE THE GOODNATURED PENIS I AM, I USUALLY REMAIN UNAROUSED. BUT OCCASIONALLY THERE ARE TIMES WHEN CERTAIN STUDENTS, DRESSED AND POSTURED IN CERTAIN WAYS, ARE LOOKING AT JON'S EYES, AND SPEAKING TO HIS EARS, YET ARE UNMISTAKABLY ADDRESSING YOURS TRULY. IT IS AT THESE TIMES I THUNDER BACK AT THE HEAD: WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF LITTLE SISTER IS THIS?

IN CONCLUSION, I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT NOT ALL JAPANESE WOMEN ARE UNASSERTIVE, EASY, OVERSEXED, SEDUCTIVE OR EVEN OVERLY-AFFECTIONATE. NEITHER, OF COURSE, ARE ALL JAPANESE WOMEN INTENSELY INTERESTED IN FOREIGN MEN. FURTHERMORE, JON COULD SPEND DAYS WALKING THE CROWDED STREETS AND TERMINALS OF JAPAN, AND EACH DAY HIS GAZE WILL INSTANTLY LOCK ON THE NEAREST EXPANSE OF EXPOSED FLESH, PASSING OVER DOZENS OF REMARKABLY BEAUTIFUL AND INTRIGUING WOMEN WHO DRESS MODESTLY AND FEEL THEIR BEST PERSONALITY ATTRIBUTES DON'T REQUIRE STILLETO HEELS TO SHOWCASE. IT'S THE RANDOM, SURPRISING DISCOVERY OF WOMEN SUCH AS THESE THAT ARE THE TRULY INSPIRING OCCASIONS.

ULTIMATELY, WOMEN HERE, LIKE WOMEN EVERYWHERE, MAKE EACH DAY WONDERFUL AND INTERESTING, EVEN FOR A DICK LIKE ME.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

A gathering of creepy dorks...

Peace be unto you, fellow earthling!

I just returned from Kokura, a lively burg situated on the northern tip of Japan's westernmost island, Kyushu. The ostensible reason for my trip was the JALT conference there--JALT stands for "Japanese Association of Language Teachers"--but my close friends understand exactly how much I care for the community of those in my profession and have likely surmised (correctly) that my true motivations laid elsewhere.

About the conference: one might think it would be a place where language teachers would go to share resources and techniques to aid in language instruction. To be fair, there were workshops where things like that went on. But, for the most part, it was teachers predictably circle-jerking over stupid shit that has very little to do with actually teaching language. Don't just take my word for it--here's a list of actual presentation titles, each of which struck me as hilarious:
  • Using Media and Drama to Promote Global Awareness
  • Raising Bicultural Kids in Multicultural Melbourne
  • Infusing Multiculturalism in Teaching Research
  • Okinawa Longevity and Wellness for Lifelong Learning
  • Esperanto Forum (I actually attended this one, driven by the same fundamental curiosity that draws carnival-goers to a freakshow)
  • Language Teaching, Global Human Issues, and Peace
  • Promoting Sustainability in the EFL Classroom
  • Human Rights, Disney, and You!
  • Raising Student Awareness of Poverty
  • The Bilingual Songwriter (seriously ... what the fuck?)
  • U.N. Children's Documentary: What's Going On?
  • Peace Studies for University EFL Students
  • Emancipation Now!
  • Yoga and Meditation for Better Language Learning
  • Exploring Mirages with Group Reflection Activities
  • The Language and Pragmatics of Sexual Harassment
In all fairness, there were plenty of presentations which presented interesting techniques that actually operated under the assumption that language teaching was the primary goal in running a language class, even over tremendously wankworthy urgencies such as global consciousness-raising and child-brainwashing techniques. But those seemed few and far between, and attendees were sparse. No, the flute-toting hippies and creepy dorks of indoctrination won the day, forcing me to wonder if I belong to a minority of language teachers in Japan who believe substantive topics, like grammar or pronunciation, are more relevant to learning a language than emptyheaded geopolitical sloganeering.

Oh well.

Now for the real reason I went: to see a couple of old grad school chums, Aaron and Elizabeth, who now live and teach at opposite ends of Tokyo. Aaron, I was delighted to see, has kept his paranoid charm and remains a brilliant little ball of hate with a heart of gold. He thrilled me by lending credence to 9/11 conspiracy theories, and then admirably kept his cool as I assailed his cockamamie beliefs with withering scrutiny. We may have our disagreements about that (as well as most other conspiracy theories) but we are united in our shared belief that Mother Theresa, the Dalai Lama, and Ghandi actually form a trio of douchebags. Plus, he's a fellow libertarian/anarchist, so I kind of think of him as a political kindred spirit.

I've done a much better job of keeping in touch with Elizabeth (a noted Crepuscular Ray comment contributor), so one might think my excitement at the prospect of reuniting with her would be slightly diminished. Not so! I was strangely nervous to hang out with her again, and I was worried her colleagues/friends/traveling companions would dislike me for some reason. But all fears dissipated while consuming a pre-Turkish-dinner donut in which I quickly realized that (1) Elizabeth's friends are cool people, and (2) Elizabeth's quick wit and contagious vivacity remain intact, as does her open and caring nature. She seems to be handling the transition to Japan with more aplomb and dignity than I did/do, but this is hardly surprising as she is a strong person.

I really missed her, and I was happy to spend a few nights drinking with both her and Aaron. I think I pestered both by pressing politics, but I figured, when's the next time I'll be having a face-to-face conversation with an intelligent English-speaker? Might as well make the most of it.

Anyway, the weekend's over, and I'm back to my solitary, monastic life ... but I'm actually feeling OK about that. I know I have friends all over this planet--good friends, the kind who would help me dispose of a body or two on short notice with no questions asked--and even though they aren't in this city, I will survive. It just means I have to keep the body count down.

Here's a cheery picture of a traveling insect musician:

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

And everything has been set right in the universe once more.

It is dense, it is, it is, the friend! The my computer is fixing, it is the splendid place where as for outer space you live for the second time! Hooray! That the problem which is reverses the graphic card. That it locks, price was not high even excessively.

I am regrettable terribly, but I form this post there are no many times. I tomorrow have travelled in Kyushu for the meeting of language teacher. My university has paid the fact that I go. The secret where I am large: I have gone just in order to visit the old friend of some persons.

I post next week directly for the second time. To that time, enjoy this image. That in the celibacy separation party just of the man of Ryan of the friend where I am good, is I as an illusion. As for me it was not possible to go in body shape, therefore I the camera of magic am delightful, my mental existence which is recorded. Thank you Ryan! I let escape!

From the right to the left: Ryan and Matt, Morgan, Errol, and illusion me.